To Challenge or Not

Have you ever found yourself wondering “Do I say anything? Is it my business? ” I found myself in this situation recently. I opted to speak the truth. It may have been the first time in the life of this relationship.

Giving someone negative feedback has always been hard for me because I am afraid of what might happen if my words land poorly. Do you struggle with providing truthful feedback? If yes,  have you thought about why?

This recent situation got me thinking about the reason I find it hard to deliver negative feedback. My inward research led me to an aha moment. Here it is- I avoid sharing my honest thoughts about a plant because I think that someone might think that I am a bad person if I disagree with their plans. My fear of rejection outweighs the potential good that my feedback may provide. This discovery is important for me. Up until this time, I believed that I did not share my honest opinion because I did not want to “hurt someone’s feelings”. Here is the rub- we do not cause someone to feel anything. Feelings come from our own thoughts about a situation, including words. So, my reason for not sharing  my honest opinion was based on a false narrative. Knowing now that I hesitated to tell someone the truth because I am afraid that they will not like me is quite different than not telling the truth to avoid causing someone else discomfort. Being able to sit with this truth is good for me. Not sharing your honest opinion for fear of rejection falls into the bucket of people pleasing.

The situation that led to this work involved a conversation with someone with whom I have a lifelong relationship. A relationship that has been tended to for a lifetime. This made a difference for me when I learned that this person was considering a plan that has historically caused pain and loss. I found myself thinking “Not again. This time, Kim,  you need to say what you really think”. And so, I did. Whether my words deter the action, only time will tell. But to be honest, it was one of those moments that I know has changed me forever. Stepping into my truth is empowering. My opinion matters. How the information is taken is not my business and this feels amazing.

Many years ago, I had a dinner party for a group of people. One guest overdrank got up and left in the middle of the meal. I followed her to discourage her from leaving in her car. I did not take the keys because she was my boss and  believed that by doing so, I could lose my job, which at that time- I loved. The next day: Michael and I created a new house rule- we would never serve alcohol to anyone that we could not take keys from should it be necessary. I know this is an extreme example, but I would guess it has happened to others.

Sometimes we need to challenge others who are not living to their potential. The challenge is not just for them but for us to stand in truth and be brave.

May you tell your truth when it is needed.