Boundaries Are Built From a Breach
During two recent incidents, I found myself annoyed. I could clearly identify the feeling of annoyance but, in the moment, I could not determine exactly why I was feeling so annoyed. Neither situation seemed like a big enough deal to create that visceral feeling of annoyance. Has this ever happened to you? Have you found yourself in a situation in which you ask yourself “Why is this such a big deal to me?”
Both of these situations led me to way too much thought confusion created by my “monkey brain”. So like a good certified life coach, I set off on a mission to find out what was really behind my overreactions. My first step was to use one of the best coaching tools I have for myself and my clients when experiencing monkey brain – a thought download. A quick explanation of how to do a thought download is: to get every thought you have about the topic of interest out of your head and onto paper. Thought downloads will be the topic of another blog so watch out for it if you want more details. What I learned from this thought download is that in both situations a personal boundary was breached and it was a boundary I did not even know I had. I did not know I had it because I did not know I needed it.
How is this possible? What a convoluted loop. I had never really considered the architecture of a personal boundary nor how they come about in the first place. But, these two experiences led me to a deep dive into personal boundaries and a light bulb went off for me. Perhaps I use to think that boundaries were magical- they would appear all neatly package at the exact moment we needed them. It sounds silly but there is some truth to the silly. What this taught me is that I cannot set a boundary prior to knowing I need one and I do not know I need one until I experience upset that I attribute to the actions of another. I believe historically I have been poor at setting healthy boundaries because I did not understand that a boundary has nothing to do with anyone else. Boundaries are 100 % about me. Boundaries are not a way to control the behavior of others. I missed this life lesson. Perhaps I had dozed off during this bit of Life 101.
This deep dive into understanding my recent over reactions also led me to realize that I have used avoidance as a boundary thinking that by avoiding I was setting up a boundary. I am now clear that they are not the same. If someone’s behavior was bothersome to me, my default would be avoid the person entirely. Actually, truth be told- I scuttled off as fast as I could.
So why is identifying the need for a boundary as a result of a breach important? Because it is a place of peace, self- respect and kindness. A well thought out boundary is a gift to yourself as well as your intimate and casual contacts. A healthy boundary simply provides a clear expectation of what will happen if your personal boundary is breached. Bonus!! Healthy boundaries eliminate the need for monkey brain!
Do you have personal boundaries that you are clear about? Do you have subtle ones that you haven’t fully crafted thus when they are breached you are left annoyed and confused? If you find yourself feeling a negative emotion in response to the actions of another take some time to determine the real reason why you are feeling what you are feeling. No one else’s actions can make you feel anything. What has happened is that you have begun a narrative about another’s actions and this has led to you feeling your feeling. Examine the narrative, listen for sentences and look for a common thread. The common thread could be a personal boundary waiting to be identified. Once you know what the boundary is you can determine the healthiest way to use it in your relationships. I believe healthy boundaries can be a really good communication tool. Running away or harboring resentment are always an option and sometimes running away is the safe choice but I think learning to be a healthy setter of boundaries could have far reaching benefits for all of us.
Peace to you friends
K
